1. What’s important today won’t matter tomorrow

Yeah, so you got a problem. Sleep on it, sunshine. Put it off. Most problems can be safely ignored. You’ll be amazed how often they sort themselves out.

And the gravity of any given problem is inversely proportional to the hour of the day. At three in the morning,  you’ve got an insurmountable issue. After four whisky and cokes at nine in the evening, you haven’t even got an inkling of a problem.

2. Everybody else is furiously improvising, so you can too

Show me an expert and I’ll show you a charlatan. FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT, amigo.

21 year old lifestyle design guru? Hell yeah! Fat, unemployed life-coach? Why not? Homeopathy professional? Whatever, bring it on!

Choose your path, and then act as though you are wearing a cape!

3. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about you

Really. They don’t. For example, I’m not thinking about you now. But I bet you are.

4. It’s OK to piss people off

But if you’re pissing everybody off, all the time, it’s time to stop being a dick.

5. The Secret wasn’t much of a “secret”

Looking for inner peace? Don’t buy a book. Save a tree and sit under one for awhile.

6. Nobody tells all the truth, all the time

So lower your expectations of people. When put in a spot, people fib.

We men lie about how much booze we drink all the time.

When we’re young and say we had six beers, we probably only had three. Now if we say we only had three beers, you can be sure it was closer to six. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you!

7. Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some shit on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow shit, it began to realize how warm it was. The shit was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. When you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

8. Be informed in your job and seize the moment

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly has an accident. After controlling the car, he snuck his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?”  The priest removed his hand.

Changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”  The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

9. You’re wrong as often as you’re right

So don’t dwell on either. A man speaks and there is no woman around to hear him. Is he still wrong?

10. Getting married is a lot like getting into a hot tub.  After you get use to it, it’s not so hot

Accepting one another as they are is the best chance any marriage will ever have. Like Barbara Streisand said, “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?”

***UPDATE***

Part Deux: Another installment labeled 10 MORE Things You Should Have Learned by Now.

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