Here I sit thinking. I’ve had a “moment” that has been long overdue. One where all is quiet and I have a little clarity to some of the events currently within my life.
I’ve driven myself to some seriously bad ass headaches while trying to figure out what actually motivates a person to risk their livelihood, health and even their future, all for some false sense of vindication that has absolutely no hope of ever manifesting. I mean is it really true that a person can be blinded by hate?
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.
I believe that hating anyone is a waste of not only energy but most importantly, a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. A person devoid of the ability to forgive is a person devoid of the ability to love. Sometimes forgiveness can mean facing the ‘devil inside’ all of us and confronting that inner demon means first acknowledging it and then accepting it as part of you. Until that day, you can never forgive anyone cause you can not forgive yourself.
Honestly, I’m in a position where I don’t particularly enjoy being. I have consistently tried to prevent this trainwreck from escalating yet nothing appears to sink in. The only way to finalize this I fear, will be to see it through despite the implications this may mean for the others involved. I’ve attempted honesty, straightforwardness and even admonition, all of which fall on deaf ears.
I realize that there are consequences to everything, my difficulty is with watching someone I once cared a great deal for, destroy her life and sadden those around her, all for her hatred towards me.
If I’m being completely honest now…I think it’s time to deal with the pain Sarah.
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering. That is familiar. – Thich Nhat Hanh